I Guess It's Still Not Our Time

On Monday and Tuesday this week, I succumbed to temptation and took a pregnancy test, both of which so bluntly said “Not Pregnant”.  You think that would have prepared me for the call I received today confirming that I was not pregnant, but it did not.  I knew those two tests were right, but I held on to a sliver of hope that the blood test today would be different.  It wasn’t and I felt like the wind got knocked out of me when I heard my nurse on the other end of the phone telling me she was sorry.  I guess the finality of it just slapped me in the face.  I couldn’t even keep it together for the minute I was on the phone with her.  I wish Anthony was home because he somehow finds a way to make things better.  I cannot put into words the pain I feel in my heart today; it is an unexplainable sadness.  I want a baby more than I have ever wanted anything, and I tried so hard.  Why did my body let me down? Why didn’t those two embies make a home?  I will find the strength to try again, but right now it just hurts so badly.