Another failure

I think most of you know now, but our second IVF ended exactly like our first one- in failure.  You never get used to seeing a negative home pregnancy test, or from getting a phone call from someone telling you you’re not pregnant.  It hurts just as much, if not more every single time.  Even when you know the phone call is coming and it’s going to be negative, you still desperately hope the home tests were wrong, and you’re going to get the most exciting, overwhelming news you’ve ever received in your life.  Instead, you’re filled with overwhelming, indescribable, sadness when the voice on the other end of the phone breaks the horrible news to you again.  That out of three embryos, none of them are going to make a beautiful baby that will come home with you in 40 weeks.  That the past 6 weeks of an emotional roller coaster of doctor visits, extreme amounts of hormones injected 51 times, and 8 extra pounds of weight were all for nothing.  Well, not actually for nothing; it was for another $13,000, right down the drain.  And, the irony of this is that if we had more money, we would be willing to start another IVF cycle next month.  The torture you go through with each cycle and the pain you feel with each failure doesn’t compare to the happiness we’d have if we became parents in the end.  I’m not sure where we’ll go from here, but somehow we’ll get through it because we have each other and the support from our amazing friends and family.

Transfer

Well, I’m officially pregnant until proven otherwise! On Monday late afternoon I started feeling worse.  My lower back pain became so intense that I couldn’t drive up to Birmingham; I was also super nauseas and weak.  I took some pain medicine and was able to fall asleep, but woke up around 2am in horrible pain again.  Anthony couldn’t sleep because of me, and was worried I still wouldn’t be able to drive in the morning. He wanted to take me to the emergency room, but knowing they would most likely just give me some sort of pain medicine that I wasn’t allowed to take, I refused.  I took some Tylenol and at some point finally fell back asleep on the couch, which was somewhat more comfortable than our bed because I could half way sit up.  Anthony woke me up at 5:15am and told me it was time for me to get in the shower so I could make in time.  The back pain had somewhat subsided, but I was still weak and feeling light headed walking around.  Anthony could see that I was a mess and called out of school so that he could take me.  It was a big deal for him to do that, and I am so grateful that he did, especially because my back pain came back when we were about half way to Birmingham. 

About an hour before we arrived at the clinic, I got a call from my IVF Coordinator who said that we only had one early blastocyst and two morulas so they wanted to see if it was okay if they thawed our one frozen embryo from our previous cycle.  Of course we said yes knowing that our frozen embryo was a really good grade (5AA).  I really couldn’t believe that our embryos were even worse off this time than they were the first cycle.  We finally got prepped and into the transfer room.  My doctor came in and after meeting with the lab told us that one of the two morulas had turned into and early blastocyst since we had received the phone call, and the blastocyst they thawed was doing really well.  This was good news, but knowing we only had one good grade embryo, we asked to transfer three instead of two. My doctor agreed, and said it wasn’t the standard for someone my age, but knowing our situation and the condition of the embryos he was really comfortable with it.  The transfer went extremely smoothly! I didn’t really feel anything (except the prep).  Anthony was so happy that he was able to be there, especially because he got to see the whole transfer on the ultrasound screen.  My doctor said my back pain is most likely due to my stimulated ovaries, and prescribed me more pain medicine in case I needed it.  The symptoms could get worse if I get pregnant, but at least it will be worth it!  

Since Anthony had to go back to school today, we couldn’t spend the night.  Instead, we stopped at Target on the way home and Anthony went in and got me an egg carton foam pad, a pillow, and a blanket.  We laid the seats in the back down and made a bed.  It was pretty funny, but it worked and I was able to get some rest on the way home.  Last night, I took more Tylenol instead of the prescribed pain med and my back pain actually decreased significantly and it hasn’t returned.  I hope it stays that way! I still had trouble sleeping because I had a back ache in a different way, I think from lying around too much.  I’m still feeling weak and light headed so I’ve spent my day on the couch again.  I am kind of hoping to get better each day, but kind of hoping I don’t in case that means something.  Either way, I think the progesterone plays tricks on you and you can’t really analyze any ‘symptom’.

December 15^th is my blood test, I’m going to try my very best to stay away from the evil pee sticks until then, we’ll see if I can actually do it! We’re holding onto hope that our one perfect embryo will make it, or that one of our low grade embryos will pull off a miracle. My lining looked great, so why wouldn’t they feel like making a home?! We also got the call that none of the remaining embryos progressed to freeze; not surprising, but still sad.  Please keep us in your prayers over the next week! Love you! xo

Embies - Day Three

Sorry I didn’t update my blog yesterday, believe it or not, I’m still not feeling like myself.  I have an ache in my lower back that’s causing me to lose sleep, and if I move a certain way it leaves my back and goes to my lower abdomen.  I think it’s because everything isn’t fitting inside me like it normally would with my enlarged ovaries. 

Onto the important stuff-- My embryologist called yesterday morning bright and early; I flew out of bed when I heard the phone ringing, and tried not to sound like I was still sleeping! She told me that she just left the lab and all 10 embryos were still dividing, which is great news.  I asked her the grade of them, but she said she didn’t really look into that, just looked to see if they were still dividing.  She said not to be concerned with that on day 3.  Kind of frustrating because of our small number of embryos on day 5 last time, but maybe it is better not to think about it. 

I’m heading up to Birmingham tonight for my transfer tomorrow.  Unfortunately, Anthony can’t get out of school because it’s his last week of this course and he needs to have enough flight hours to test on Thursday.  This means I’ll be taking a taxi to and from my transfer so that I can take a valium.  It’s not ideal, but I’ll do what it takes to change the outcome.  To be honest, I’m more concerned about giving myself a progesterone injection tomorrow night, than I am about taking a taxi! For some reason they have been SO painful this time around.  I cried last night it hurt so badly! Anthony thinks the gauge of the needle is a lot bigger than the ones I used last time so I’m going to see if I can get smaller ones that will still inject the thick oil.  I can’t imagine doing this every night for 10 weeks if I get pregnant!!  I’ll be staying in Birmingham until Wednesday morning so I can get some rest for my little embies before driving home.  I’ll update you again tomorrow after my transfer! xo

From twenty-three to ten...

I just got the call from my IVF coordinator, and I’m kind of bummed...actually I'm really bummed.  Of my 23 eggs, only 16 were mature and 10 fertilized with ICSI.  Last time we had 11 that fertilized with 20 mature eggs, so I shouldn’t have been so hopeful.  A normal person would be happy with 10 fertilized, but knowing about my egg quality issue, and what happened with my embryos last time is getting me down.  I'm really hoping all 10 continue to grow into perfect day 5 blastocysts, but I also know that's not likely.  I’ll get another update on Sunday morning from the embryologist on how they’re doing.  Please pray for our little embies.   I’m still wondering why God gave me the eggs of an old lady. Excuse me while I spend the rest of the day mad at the universe.  

Egg Retrieval

I’ll start by saying that yesterday they retrieved 23 eggs! That’s 2 more than last time!! I’ll find out how many fertilized with ICSI sometime today, I’m anxiously awaiting the phone call!  I wanted to give you all an update yesterday, but my retrieval was not nearly as easy as my first one, and I couldn’t bring myself to get on a computer, let alone put thought into a post!

I couldn’t sleep the night before my retrieval, I had so much anxiety that I slept from midnight to 3am, and maybe again from 5 to 6am.  I don’t know why I was so nervous, especially because my first retrieval was so easy.  I think the anxiety was more around what was going to happen during the procedure, rather than how I would feel- what if I ovulated before retrieval and there were no eggs, what if none of the follicles had any eggs in them, etc.  Finally, morning came and we got ready and headed to the clinic.  Once I was prepped, and it was nearing my retrieval time, they led Anthony off to do his sperm collection.  As soon as he left me, I could hear the girl in the surgery room screaming “OWWW” every couple seconds.  This definitely didn’t help my anxiety any. I do not remember anything from my last retrieval, and definitely do not recall it hurting at all.  Once they brought her out, there was only a curtain separating us, and she kept moaning in pain.  When the nurse came to get me and asked me if I was ready, I told her I was until I heard the other girl screaming! She just said that everyone responds differently to the pain meds and anesthesia.  Once we were in the surgery room, she immediately gave me meds that made me not care about anything, and then more medicine that sedated me.  I’m not sure how much time had gone by or how much of the retrieval they’d already done when I could feel EVERYTHING! I kept telling them it hurt so badly, and then I heard, “We have 15 so far”.  They said they were giving me more meds and I remember the excruciating pain for a few more minutes or seconds (who knows) and then finally the next thing I remembered is them telling me they were all finished.  Thank GOD! They brought me to recovery where Anthony was waiting for me.  I was still in pain, but so glad to be done with it.  After a half hour or so, it was time for me to get ready to leave.  Anthony had to help me get dressed because I could barely walk.  One of the nurses wheeled me down to wait as Anthony got the car.  We had planned on going to lunch after, but I told Anthony that I didn’t think I could.  We went to Walgreens to fill a prescription for pain meds and nausea medication and after I took the pain meds, I felt like I could go to lunch and was really hungry since I hadn’t eaten since the night before.  We went to PF Changs, and right after we ordered, I felt the sedation of the pain medicine.  I was SO tired; I thought I was going to fall asleep at the table. I ate my soup and a few bites of food and was already full.  Our server took FOREVER to do everything and all I could think about was getting to the car to go to sleep on the drive home.  Finally we were on our way home.  I started feeling weird, so I took the nausea medicine and not more than 3 minutes later, I was vomiting into a little plastic pan they had given me in case I got sick.  After I filled that, I asked for Anthony to give me his sweatshirt that was in the back seat so I could try and save the car, nope didn’t work.  Poor Anthony was trying to help me, and safely get off the highway to a gas station.  He hit a bump and my vomit pan spilled onto my leg and the car mat.  I think we spent a good 30 minutes at the gas station.  Anthony wins the husband of the year award for cleaning everything, while I changed and tried to wash my hair with shampoo and bottled water! When we finally got on the road again, I wasn’t nauseas at all, I was just so tired.  Every time I would fall asleep, there would be a subtle movement in the car, such as Anthony switching lanes or braking a little and I would wake up startled.  After the three longest hours of me falling asleep and immediately waking up, we were home!  I went to sleep right away, and woke up 2 hours later to eat, then went back to sleep again.  Talk about a long day!  Needless to say, I am praying that was my last egg retrieval!

Today I am feeling better; still extremely sore, but that’s normal and I know it will get better each day.  I am working from the couch today, and I’m thankful to have my little cuddle buddy with me, and a husband who keeps texting me to find out if I’ve heard from the doctor. :)