I Guess It's Still Not Our Time

On Monday and Tuesday this week, I succumbed to temptation and took a pregnancy test, both of which so bluntly said “Not Pregnant”.  You think that would have prepared me for the call I received today confirming that I was not pregnant, but it did not.  I knew those two tests were right, but I held on to a sliver of hope that the blood test today would be different.  It wasn’t and I felt like the wind got knocked out of me when I heard my nurse on the other end of the phone telling me she was sorry.  I guess the finality of it just slapped me in the face.  I couldn’t even keep it together for the minute I was on the phone with her.  I wish Anthony was home because he somehow finds a way to make things better.  I cannot put into words the pain I feel in my heart today; it is an unexplainable sadness.  I want a baby more than I have ever wanted anything, and I tried so hard.  Why did my body let me down? Why didn’t those two embies make a home?  I will find the strength to try again, but right now it just hurts so badly.  

The Longest Wait

When I said that 9 days was going to be an eternity, I wasn’t kidding.  It’s only Wednesday, and I’m slowly (or maybe quickly) going insane.  It all started yesterday when I got the call that they were able to freeze one embryo.  ONE?! What happened to the other six that were doing well on Saturday?  I went from not expecting for any to make it to freeze, to feeling like crap when I got the news that ONE of them did.  I know that many people don’t have any frosties, but I can’t help but question why the others didn’t make it.  Does this have any reflection of the two inside me?  The logical answer is probably that they only freeze the really good embryos.  The ones that make it to day six and the ones that they feel can survive a thaw, and make a viable pregnancy.  The logic makes sense, but it doesn’t help the insane person I’m becoming one bit.

So the next reason I am negative Nancy is because I haven’t been spotting.  Most women would probably be happy they weren’t spotting, but I’m worried because I’m not.  I’m hoping to see it, so that I can hope its implantation bleeding.  The logical explanation here is that only 1/3 of women actually experience implantation bleeding, but again the insane person inside me isn’t allowing me to be logical. 

I’m sure the progesterone shots in my butt every night, are not making my emotional state any better.  They’re probably doing the exact opposite; making me crazy and irritable.  Great combo!  Poor Anthony, he’s taking it so well; he is so supportive, and trying to keep me positive.  His countless sweet words bring me to tears often.

If any of you have ideas to keep positive (and/or sane) over the next week, please let me know!

Here are photos of the embryos we implanted, and the ultrasound of the transfer.  You can barely see a little tiny white dot in my uterus (which isnt even visible in this small size photo)! What you can see, is a glimpse of my follicles, at the top right, which are still large and making me so, so bloated!! I appear that I’m already four months pregnant! Lovely! J

Embryo Transfer

My transfer went really well today, they transferred two great looking blastocysts.   Although this type of baby making is not desirable, it definitely is amazing.  I already love my 2 little blasts that resemble nothing close to a baby, but rather just a circle of cells.  The feeling of having life inside me is indescribable.  I hope they find my uterus super comfy and decide to make a home!  Waiting for the next 9 days is going to seem like an eternity!

I’ll try and write more tomorrow, but for now I need to get some rest for the drive home tomorrow.

Good Night! xo 

Embie Update!!

After a pretty much sleepless night, and many nightmares about how our embies were doing, we woke up early Saturday morning to the phone ringing.  I literally jumped out of bed and ran for the phone!  It was the embryologist with an update on our embies.  To our surprise, she said that 4 more eggs had fertilized since the first update, bringing the total number of eggs to 15.  The late fertilizers have a lot of fragmentation, so they probably won’t make it, but it was still a nice thing to hear, especially after dreaming that there were none.  She said that of the original 11, 9 of them are doing really well, and look exactly how they want them to look on day 3.  We were so relieved! Still a ways to go, but we enjoy celebrating each milestone!

So, we’re all set for our embryo transfer tomorrow.  They will be transferring the best 2 embryos we have, and they’ll be freezing the others make it.  Unfortunately, Anthony cannot come with me this time.  We’re super bummed because I’ve heard from so many that the transfer is such an amazing experience.   I am leaving in the morning to make the drive up there, and I’m going to stay in a hotel in Birmingham tomorrow to relax a day before heading back home.  I will update you all tomorrow evening on how everything goes!!

Wish me luck!! We need your prayers now, more than ever!!

xo

Pregnant in a Dish!!

I received the call from my IVF coordinator that 20 of my 21 eggs were mature, and 11 of them fertilized with ICSI.  We are so thrilled.  We were hoping that 10 would fertilize to give us something to work with, and 11 is even better!! We are officially pregnant in a dish; I cannot believe it!!  The embryologist is going to call us with an update on Saturday morning to let us know how our little embryos are doing.  I will be happy if we have 2 to transfer on Monday, but hoping we’ll have more to put on ice in case this first round doesn’t work, or for some siblings down the road.  Please keep our little embies in your prayers!! Love you all!

21 Eggs!

My egg retrieval went really well this morning; they retrieved 21 eggs!  We will find out tomorrow how many of them were mature, and how many of them fertilized.  I don’t remember too much about the procedure, but it wasn’t too bad.  Having Anthony with me was the best! He said I was funny when I was first coming off of the anesthesia because I kept waking up and going back to sleep, telling him about a new dream I had each time I woke up.  We’re back at home now, and I’m feeling sore and achy.  Thank God for the world’s best husband, he’s taking good care of me, and just went out and got me Dairy Queen!  Hopefully I’ll be feeling back to normal in the next few days.  My embryo transfer is scheduled for Monday, and my pregnancy test will be July 20^th!! I’ll update you guys again tomorrow with the fertilization report!

Here are some pre-surgery photos from this morning:

Update: Egg Retrieval Scheduled!!

On Sunday we made the trip up to Birmingham before the butt crack of dawn.  Fortunately, the long trip was worth it because we received the news that my follicles were progressing and my progesterone and estradiol were in the range that they needed to be.   The only bad thing was that she said I would have to return on Monday for another checkup.   This was only bad news because returning Monday meant I would have to drive to Birmingham again since the Mongomery office is closed on holidays. Another six hours of driving in one day!  

The repeat buttcrack of dawn drive was not fun, but I found out that my 18 follicles were ready to be triggered for egg retrieval on Wednesday.  I was instructed to take my trigger shot of HCG at 9:15 last night, 36 hours prior to my retrieval.  I was super nervous because the shot was an intramuscular injection, with a 1.5 inch needle.  I sucked it up and let Anthony stick me in the butt.  It didn’t hurt going in, but it really hurt while he was injecting.  It felt like he was moving the needle around inside my muscle, even though he wasn’t!  My butt is still sore! I am NOT looking forward to the progesterone in oil shots that I will have to daily; they are also intramuscular shots.  EEEEEK!!

So here we are, it’s Tuesday night and we’re at a hotel in Birmingham (third trip up here in three days).  At the last minute this afternoon, Anthony received approval to take me to my egg retrieval.  We didn’t think they would even consider letting him out of class, so we’re so thankful they did.  My surgery is scheduled for 9:15am, and Anthony has to report back at 2:30pm.  It will be cutting it super close, so let’s hope he makes it back on time.  I’m getting kind of nervous!  The fact that I had to give myself an enema definitely didn’t help with the nerves!  I guess multiple daily shots were not enough; enemas have been added to the list of requirements for optimal baby making.  Anthony must be thankful again tonight that he’s not a woman. 

Please pray that we’ll get some mature eggs out my 18 follicles tomorrow, and that some of them fertilize!  I will update you tomorrow night when the anesthesia wears off!

Here is a photo of the small needle I was using for lupron and stims, compared to the one I had to use last night, and that I’ll start using daily for progesterone injections.